Remember to proof read!

• Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you shorty.
• Please overlook my qualifications, and let me know.
• My expected salary is £24 per year.
• As a customer service representative, I confidently dealt with any problems that arouse.
• Instrumental in ruining both the London and Birmingham ranch for over a year.
• Comprehensive oversight of the department and all 8,600 employees under my direct managerial control.
• I eventually left my last role when I was granted maturity leave.
• Education: University of Durham, August 1889 - May 1992.
• Over the past 12 months I have demonstrated many key kills which I believe would be beneficial to your company.
• Experienced supervisor with a keen eye for errors, defective with students and professionals alike.
• I possess excellent poofreading skills I am sure will be beneficial for the role.
• I have a proven track reccord and great experience of accurancy and fixing erors.

Why I quit (before I was pushed?)

• My ruthlessness terrorised the competition and can sometimes offend.
  
• Conduct at office party.
  
• Worked for my mother, until she moved house.

Why experience isn't always good...

• 2005-2007: Unemployed
  Spent two years looking for work and honing my skills. This time of my life required excellent research skills, good time management and excellent financial organisation to live within my means…
  
• Responsible for three fledgling financial institutions. (Due to insolvency, no references can be given.)
  
• Managing Director of a small distribution company, by which I mean it consisted of only one employee: myself
  
• My duties included greeting laundrette customers, removing their clothes, and washing them.

Bizarre Statements

• I can play well with others
  
• I have an excellent track record, although I must point out that I am not a horse.
  
• Please don't interpret my 8 recent jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
  
• I am superior to anyone else you could hire.
  
• Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
  
• My fanatical level of customer service is sure to put your clients at ease.

Badly chosen email addresses

- gimp12
- dumbblonde69
- psycho128
- slut365
- pimp_daddy

Win a 6 Month Subscription to Simply-Docs!

Simply send us the most hilarious sentences
you've seen listed in job applications. The top 3 each month will win a complimentary 6 month subscription to access our vast selection of legal documents and templates for small businesses.
Email competition entries to:
cv.bloopers@
simply-docs.co.uk

Education..
or lack of!

- As well as being a native English speaker, I speak business French and conversational Spinach.

- Failed A-Levels with relatively high marks.

- Exposure to German for two years. Unfortunately, many words are inappropriate for business.